This confusing, self-inflicted pain and joy thing.
Really, I barely get the meaning of the word "Love". It comes in many different forms, friends, family, common people. But really, does true love really exist? Is it here to find us, or for us to find? For some, it seems to be simply so easy to toy with the idea of "love". They love simply, and break love off easily. And for others who are into soppy love stories and the whole ideal of love, they treat "love" really seriously. And for me? I'm a real sucker for romance.
I have a past, but you know who doesn't right? But somehow, some people seem to hang on to pasts really hardcore. They seem to drag every moment from your past right back into your memories every single time, day, minute and try to remind you and guilt-trip you into whatever it was that happened there and then and make you feel so screwed up. My past was what I spent most of my youth on buliding it, investing in it with all my heart, hoping that one day it'd work out just fine. And you know, the perfect ending was just right there, in my face, but i couldn't save the ending or, at least, I didn't want to give a chance at saving it due to the amount of pain it has caused me to turn black and blue. I was barely alive after everything, and yeah. There have to be someone there to bitch about it. Hmm, so there goes it.
There was a time, for quite some time this year, I thought I had found my true love. The "perfect" guy. HE was everything I had never seen in any other guy before, sweet, really sincere, and he meant every single thing he said. No broken promises, no lies and he was completely honest, even about the bad things. And I was completely fine with that, ( although it hurt my feelings sometimes cause he was honestly really honest) hah, and yeah. But it turned out that when you know someone too well, they can be completely "imperfect". It seems that the more time you spend with them, you start noticing a lot of things, especially when you're in a relationship, and the flaws just breaks the glass and glossy image of Mr.Perfecto. It turned out that he was everything I never wanted after all, and it made me so scared. Scared to even be close or be alone with him because of the fear of what he might do. And I was scared that, with that, I might lose all of my newfound friends, because I honestly haven't had this fun of a time and good friends in a long shot. And I might never find such good and honest people again. But yeah, I did what I had to. Because I was honestly scared right out of my frickin' pants. So yeah. I did the right thing and tried to end this part of it, but he was pretty unreasonable because he couldn't understand and I tried all I could to explain, but to no avail. It seemed as though it was my fault because I neglected his feelings in making this decision and everything, and he claimed he had resorted to his old ways which were relatively bad considering the consequences. And it kinda guilt-trip me too. Sigh. But yeah, hopefully one day he'd come to his senses.
Okay, and there's this other guy. Physically attractive, and who seems like a really really nice guy. Completely surprises me when there was a whole side to his other personality though (: Hah. Well, we had a really long relationship that lasted for years, and yes, in case you're wondering, he's the reason I was barely alive when I came out, and the perfect ending that I wanted to save was him. He was a bad boy from the start, the kind where girls feel they're smart enough to try to change them into something good, which was stupidly, what I kinda did then. But who could blame, I was merely 12/13. So yes, I was gullible and young. I blame it mostly on the young. Anyway, yeah, we had a whole lot of drama going on for a few years but it came to an end when two hours of lust got in the way. But I really did fell for him in many sorts of ways no matter how much he used to be a jerk. But being with this guy, taught me a lot of lessons for one. For example,
"When a guy dumps you, you don't go going back to him."
I did the complete opposite when it happened then, but soon enough, I learnt that its stupid to do that. When a guy dumps you, you simply walk away. Because when he has the balls to dump you, it means he doesn't honestly give a shit about your feelings and, also, don't want a second chance. And girls, it also means that he doesn't love you that much or at all, because dumping is a total jerk-move.
"Hot yet egostistical guys think they can get everything and everyone."
This is so damn true. I remembered one sentence he said to me then that broke my heart I cried every night to sleep for a week then. And I'd never ever forget it in my lifetime. Girls really do remember everything. But yeah, when these guys get over they egos and everything, they turn out to be really nice.
"Lust comes in a few seconds, minutes, hours, but it breaks everything that you've built for years."
I witnessed this pretty well and it can break anything no matter how strong it may come off. Reality is the reality after all, there's no denying that.
But really after learning all this lessons, I actually become a better person. I learnt that things don't come as easy as they seem, and you actually become stronger after experiencing all that pain and heartaches. You know what situations to get into and not, and you learn to protect yourself even when no one's there for you. But I've learnt a lot of good things from him too. That true love really happens because I found out how much irrevocably I'm in love with him, still. And that there's no denying that I never tried to move on because I didn't want to. I mean, I did try, but it was so hard, too hard. And after everything we've been through, when we start talking again, it's like nothing ever happened in between, and that folks, it's true connection. And we seem to understand each other in every single way, finishing off each other's thoughts without second guessing and knowing what one another wants in the near future. But although as troubling as the near future may seem, it seems as though lessons help people change.
He seems to be more sincere right now, caring. I don't know if this part of him would lasts forever, but I wish and hope for it everyday. Although there's this invisible line between us where only both he and I can understand where it stands, we both know what we clearly want. And as vague and dangerous the future seems, I believe that we both would stand strong and carry on. I'll leave the rest up to fate because there's clearly nothing I can do. And people do change, i believe that. And I believe in second chances. And this is a second chance to getting my life right, and starting everything right.
"Because when you've got love, nothing can bring you down."
