These are the words that won't come out right.
I am, truly, ridiculously insecure around you. This feeling never seems to cease. I don't know if its the way you act around me/with me, or it is really just my heart playing tricks on me. But really, sometimes, you really can make me feel as though the world is mine to rule, but all the other times, they never seem to fade out, like a flickering sign, slowly fading...And I know if I told you this, you'd tell me the same thing each time I tried to tell you this. "I know I suck at being a boyfriend, and etc..." But you know baby, the insecure isn't you not doing your job. It's really how you act around people. You at as though you're single and that you simply are available and very much hiding your girlfriend of 4 years. I know what you'd say to this, you'd say people like working with happy people and stuff like that and it'd be good for your course/future and everything else. Then am I not part of your future? Maybe this is the part where you think I'm accusing you and misunderstanding you and this part is never true, but believe me, this is how I feel. And anyone else standing outside our circle, watching us fall in and out of love, could tell you this. Everytime we go someplace else together, go out together, your attention is never nearly fully on me. You tend to take notice of every single person around you and look at other girls. I know its a guy thing but i don't know.
Sometimes I'm unsure whether you really do love me...I know that you do behind closed doors. And its not the matter of fact that I want you to show me off or tell every single one that you're attached or anything. I'm just saying that it's a matter of principles. And when a girl confesses to you, the way you reject her...it's like you lead her on. You let her hang there in the middle of nowhere, not knowing whether to let go or hold on. Think about it, if you were in my shoes one day, being a girl, and me being boyfriend, does nothing that shows my affection for you as long as we're not behind closed doors, how would you feel? Sometimes I feel like asking you, are you embarrassed of me? Is it because I'm not good enough? Or pretty enough to have to be accepted by other people to be yours? Because if that's the case, then I'm sorry, I can't hold on.
Other times I wonder if this relationship of four years, is solid at all. After everything we've been through, all the times I fought for you, sacrificed for you, just like today, at the terminal surprising you, or that time, going to your workplaces to visit you, or the rest of the times, going to your school to wait for you, meeting you after schools, or the last time, sleeping at a playground because you didn't come downstairs, or forgiving you for everything, does all these really account for anything at all? Because doing this much makes me feel like a guy in this relationship, like i'm the one building bricks and you plastering sheets. Sigh, but of course, you are good in your ways, your extravagant presents, your words, the way you plan things, but sometimes, I don't know...I don't know if being together for this long changes anything, or would change anything. I'm afraid if we dated for so long, and spent all of our youth together, when one day, this whole thing breaks down due to any obstacle at all, would we be able to withstand the blow? What if its already been so long, too long, and all of a sudden, it becomes no longer? Would we regret and wasted our youth away?
I always envied relationships of others, of those in the movies, those imperfect perfect couples. They seem to have everything. Like, all the right moves in all the right places. And most times, I start doubting myself, whether I am the right girl for you, or are you the right guy for me. Some other times I wonder if you are ever afraid to lose me at all. The chase was over, the enthusiasm, the excitement of the chase is fading, you seem to have stop trying as hard as you did during the chase, and we all forgot the reasons why we fell in love. You seem to be bent on the fac that I'd never leave because I'm yours, and I've done so much to make sure of that, and to make sure that you know that, but have you? You did, but the methods come off as they aren't. Your words aren't real unless you prove it. And we've got a whole list of you, making promises that you'd accomplish someday, and that somday.......Sigh. You tell me that you're taxed out at your ends and that you have no time for everything and you join most of everything that eats into all of your time, and you tell me to wait and I have been waiting since day one. But I'm busy too, my schedule's packed till 6,7,8 every single day, but I make time for you. I always make sure that there's time for you. But it seems like most of the times, I'm bending my time towards yours, just so we could have that few hours of catching up. I know all these makes you sound like a badass or something, but its not. Its how I feel and your absence that was meant to be there, just disappeared even at times when you're not occupied.
I seem to be waiting for something all the time, but I don't know what. I was hoping it'd come one day, but till now, it never did. My heart has a missing piece, and I don't know why it feels different without it. I never stopped loving you though, in these four years, I never did. But I loved you for all the right and wrong reasons from the start and I know how messed up things got, but I kept the faith. But maybe I was just sick of all the apologising of the things that are constantly messed up.
I just wanted you to know that I'd do anything for you. I think that these four years have proved that. But I want you to know that I won't try as hard as I did before anymore. Because I'm afraid that when I do, all I'd do is end up getting hurt, just like those failed attempts and lack of reactions. But remember this, I meant what I said behind and out of closed doors. And I hope you bear it in mind that I'd never give up on you, you mean too much to me for that. And in this world, if there's one thing that could keep my faith burning, it's you. Because baby, you mean more than anything else to me, and I somehow, deep down, hope that you feel the same way too.