Battlescars.

259200_4090853443456_368496545_o
I want to say so many things tonight. I want to write whatever it is here that's troubling me. And I miss you so much I can't even find the words to speak. But I know that this isn't about you and me. It's about something bigger. And I know that no matter how much I try to hide it, it'd all surface one day. 

And I'll start with this. And I'll be honest and true tonight, to my words. I'd honour everything I said. I don't know how many people are reading this(if there even is any) but tonight, tonight I'd be honest. 

There was always something about me that didn't felt right, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that I'm fine. People tell me how nice I am(not boasting or anything), and people tell me how friendly and kind I am, and sometimes, a little too kind, making me gullible. To be honest, I act. I put on fronts to show people that I'm on guard, that I'm actually kinda smart to not trust people, but truth be told, I trust you the moment we click. Its just something about me that I can't change and I don't know why. But no, I trust people to different levels. And right now, I'd say there's a fair amount of people that I trust deeper than others. But guys, I'm telling you my weakness. I trust too easily. And I am afraid, afraid of getting cheated, getting hurt, especially from people I actually care about, but I don't know if that is a form of reciprocation. And yeah, I try to be smart at times. But somehow, exceedingly fail at times. And I try to hide every inch of me each time I'm unhappy with something, because I'm so afraid of hurting or upsetting people, even though I can dislike that person. I'm a sucker, I'm a quitter at times, and I lack confidence. Those are the fronts that I try to put up to cover these flaws, but I think that they're fading now. 

Its been almost a year since I left the earlier parts of my "miserable life" and do you know what I've achieved since then? Nothing, well, fairly. I've learnt my lesson on certain values in life, learnt what it's like to get hurt and betrayed and love. I've learnt what it feels like to hurt someone, the guilt, the pain, the tears. I know I'm speaking like someone who has come from a lot of hurt and experiences and stuff like that, but no. Everyone has different stages in their lives, and everyone experiences different forms of pain, and the extents in which they feel these emotions are different from everyone. And the previous 4 years in my life are the biggest pains I've ever felt, but also hold some of my greatest joy. Maybe all these are to large extents because I haven't experienced something bigger, but this is me. And this is my story. 

4 years ago, all I was seeking for was determination, confidence and love. I was determined to study well, determined to make new friends and start afresh, and most importantly, determined to be like my brother. (I mean the youngest of my 3 elder brothers) Here >>

Nn7iysc2ts9s7zebqztn_reasonably_small

I've always looked up to him. He meant a lot. He was the one, you know? The one who knew balance, and was brave and true. The one who knew control and studied and played hard. And yes, I've always been jealous and envied the way he could do things, the way he perceived things in every single tiny detail, and the way he was so smart. He could pull anything off and he could tell when you're lying, and when you're not. And the thing about him was, he was so smart. 

And yeah, back to the story. So I was seeking for all of what my brother had cause I wanted to be smart and stuff like that too (I was 13 please remember that) and love. Love came in a rather big picture, because...well, it held a whole lot of meaning to me. Not that I haven't been in love...but I was young and you know how you are when you're young.... And yeah. That's when my whole train of nightmare-joy started (ironic I know) but yeah... And that's when I met B. 

He took everything away. Every single value I held on to, every single rule I meant never to bend. I remember the first time we broke up. I hated him so bad, because he took everything of me and I felt like I was choking and had no one else to rely on and it hurt so badly. (I know this sounds exaggerating, but trust me) 

But then again, after everything, he taught me how to pick myself up when I fell, how to grow stronger, be more confident and stand by your values and never break even when people try to do that to you. He taught me what love eventually felt like, how dominant a part it can be and how it can really change people. He changed, eventually. From a total-jerk-asshole to completely sweet and trustworthy gentleman (although still like to flirt here and there sometimes right) heh. But yeah. 

I've never really talked about this. But there was this one girl who pieced up all the missing loopholes to these stories I've always told. She's the main reason I felt so shitty about myself, the main reason why I hated myself so much, hated the way I look and instilled this form of mentality in me of comparison. And for four years, I hated her, with no regrets (even till now). With all the things that she's done, I just couldn't, can never get out of this cycle with her. I used to compare, every single day, whether I was pretty enough compared to her, whether I was smart enough, whether I was hot enough comparatively, and if I'm being extremely honest, whether her boobs were bigger, whether I had better personality, just....everything. You get the idea. I couldn't stop thinking of all these many questions in my mind every single day, and it just sort of sunked in...even till today. She makes me look down on myself, makes me feel inferior cuz I feel as though I'm not good enough. Even though, I know that after all the things that she's done, I'm considered better compared to her, but I just couldn't get this inferiority complex outta my head. 

Maybe you're wondering what she did. For those of you close enough to me, I think I would have already told you. But let me just drop a clue....she's the cause of infidelity. But I was dumb enough to be oblivious to whatever was happening to me. But you know, she's only known for the things that she does on the mattress. All the pain she inflicted, all the hurt and every single thing she did, its etched and burnt at the back of my mind, and there isn't a day that goes past where I won't think of it, think of her... I thought karma would work its way through, but when I saw how happy and contented and "blissful" her life is supposedly supposed to be right now, to her. I somehow just can't figure it out. I kept thinking why...of all people, she gets to experience things that shouldn't be happening to her. She shouldn't be happy right now, shouldn't have a boyfriend etc. But I thought about it after a while, and I found out that maybe that isn't me feeling inferior...but maybe I just felt jealous for everything that has happened. And its not that I hate her, its that I just.....detest her. To a highly large extent which cannot be substantiated. 

I thought about it that day though, everything. All of my past and I saw how screwed up life can actually be. I don't know if she's reading this, most likely no, but if she is, I wanna say thank you. Thank you for actualy teaching me how to be stronger, teaching me how liars can have such great pokerfaces, and teaching how the world has such people like you. You caught me off guard the last time, but you told me how to be on guard from then on. You taught me pain, taught me sadness, taught me how its like to be paranoid, how it feels like to cry at night, how it fails like to fail, terribly and then pick yourself up all alone again. And right now I'm a stronger person and I hardly ever cry anymore. So I wanna thank you, thank you for all the lessons I've learnt and have impacted on me. 

I didn't do very well at preparing an angry speech towards you a year ago, but I hope you know, Taylor Swift wrote a song that's exactly suitable for people like you. "Better Than Revenge". And you know, I thought about it, and I'm letting this door close, never turning back. I will always bring along the pain and the hurt with me, but I'd never look back and let myself feel that way towards you again. I'd do my best to close this door, and hopefully, I'd never see you in my entire life again. 

 

 

So yeah...that's my story. Well, it actually goes on...but its really the sadness and the emotions that got me writing about this. Heh. I know for a fact that people judge me for certain things that you perceived I've done to be wrong, or maybe you just don't like me or maybe just find me doing things that are really wrong. But I wanna tell you guys that I'm not finding excuses for myself to be right all the time, but my conscience is clear.

 

So back to my story. Ben and I have been together for plus, minus 4 years. Its been about 1614 days since I first fell in love with him (yes I counted, retarded I know). And I've never felt this strongly for anyone else other than him before, and even though many times before, we fought and argued and threw shit at each other and hurt each other and tried hating each other and kept distances away from each other, love brought us back together after all those times. And even previously, with a year apart, the feelings just couldn't fade away no matter how hard we tried. So I'm saying that I've come to grown to love better, and that all these battle scars I've taken along with me will teach me and remind me to never look back on this pain again.

B: There are no limits now. Heh, and the pampering's gonna begin soon :D But B, I can no longer deny the fact that I don't love you very very much, cuz its not true, and I can feel every single once of love from you and the way you're so different from the previous times...the passion in your eyes. I can never forget that... I've never really told you about the things I said above, so now you know :) And so you should know that I love you just as much as you do. Maybe to some I sound like a desperado, but we both know better how we feel for each other right now, surpasses anything that we've ever imagined. xoxo

For the rest of my life, I'll be with you. 

I'll stand by your side, honest and true. 

For the rest of my life, I'll be loving you. 

 

https://p.twimg.com/A1ExuD2CMAIhJ2B.jpg

 

With love, 

xoxo.

A1exud2cmaihj2b

 

Florence Lee

Florence Lee

Amour Infinito ∞
Did I mention how absolutely how eccentric I can get?
Oh, and people call me Flo (:

I believe that love's the strongest thing in this world, and that true love does exist. We just gotta find it. And I think I already did.

& Someday, I'm gonna be living in Paris.

Archive

2013 (50)
2012 (5)
Posterous theme by Cory Watilo