Monday blues

Faith

"I hope one day, you have the courage to run away from everything that makes you miserable."

Hey guys, it's already the second week of January. Time really flies as the years go by. So today was the first day of school, and I was like, every other kid on the first day of school, excited to get back to school, but the moment lessons starts, the excitement kinds of fades away. But the thing I like about the fresh start on new years is the motivation to do better than before and to study harder and be a better person and stuff like that, but sadly, although that motivation is burning in me now, I'm pretty sure it'll all gradually fade away as the days pass and I realise that life is really just a mundane cycle and studying really has no point and going to school makes people feel like shit and that I want to go travel the world and get married and it starts all over again. And on some days I will feel like shit and hate the world and everything else and on some days I will feel so blessed and happy and everything. 

Well, today, today's post is gonna be a rather lengthy one, I feel. Because it's Day One of school day, (but I'm already behind my Math homework haha) but it's because today feels like a day where I can really write a lot of things and I feel like writing, and school today had little writing to write today due to all the first-day pep talks they give you so I had nowhere else to burn this itch other than here. So if you're reading this, and you don't rather like long-winded and lengthy stories, this is your cue to exit and move on to whatever things you were planning to do on the Internet. 

Okay, so today. Today I was feeling a lot of emotions in school, and no guys, its not because I am on PMS or whatever you call it, girls always feel a lot of emotions and that doesn't necessarily mean that they are on their period it just means they're sensitive. But anyway, today I was rather quiet in school, and I observed a lot of things too and had one quite many epiphanies. 

1. I've always wanted to be a writer or a teacher. Amongst all the conversations my friends were having, and the mundane pep talks the teachers were giving, I had a little daydream and reflected on the last past week of this year and how much I cherished every moment because it was the last few days of freedom. And then I thought about myself and my aspirations and wondered what I wanna be doing in 5 years' time and the first thing that came to my mind? A writer, or a teacher. These are the two jobs I would love doing because its always what I wanted. A teacher, at a pre-school or anywhere with little kids because I have a never-ceasing love for kids(I am pretty sure I'll be a awesome mom haha i kid) but anyway, yeah. And my incessant love for writing...that'll pretty much never change throughout my life anymore. And you know what they say... "Those who write, feel things very deeply." Hehe. So yeah, I am pretty sure that this will be the direction that I'll be going in, I am a Arts student after all, so I hope that when I go to university, I'll have a clearer head of what I want to be!

2. I have a lot of friends, but they're just acquaintances. I have little close friends, and those that I keep really close to me, I must love you pretty damn much in my life. Currently in JC, I belong to a clique. There's the 6 of us, I think I mentioned them in my previous posts before, and then I have the Netball girls who are really such sweet girls. Then there are some people that I rather admire and take a liking to and I will annoy the crap out of them, then there are some people whom I admire from afar, and there are also some whom I take a particular dislike to but I never say that. But I thought about it, and I thought, JC is really a place full of...what's that word...I don't know how to put this, but it is sure damn different from secondary school. Secondary school, you're able to make friends like how you made friends in primary school and nobody gives a shit about first impressions and all even if you behave like a monkey cause they'd still love you in the end (i know this because I was one) and in JC, you have to be mature, thoughtful, poised and controlled and know your stuff to make your way up top. You will notice pretentious people, who try to be with a group of people, but they think that they deserve better and they will always always want to be with a cooler group of people but never have the balls to say out and so they just pretend till they are friends with the cool people(the people they think are cool) and start growing closer to them then to the usual ones they're close knitted to. Well, at least this was one thing I have observed and assured was true since last year and till now that fact hasn't changed and its been happening beside/near/around me everyday. Well, honestly, if you ask me, I just want to be done with my studies and graduate from the school and move on to a bigger place and hopefully a better one like a university and just keep friends who are good and kind and sincere and close. 

But like they said, as you grow older, you'll be nearer to entering the society. And the society mostly, judges you for your every behaviour, and as most people are followers, they become judgemental dickheads as well. But yeah, there are people who are like I stated above, kind, sincere, and keepers and I'm sure that they're the ones that feel the most in the end. 

3. I've always been self-conscious. Always. Well, I never was. Till I was insulted. And then I was always on the tip of my toes. In secondary school, before I fell in love with B, I was this crazy girl who was herself. Like really, i knew nothing. I was this happy and sunshine girl and I for hell cared less what anyone thought about me. But then one day, there was this one person(I shall not state who but some of you should know), well, she made me feel like I was nobody. Made me feel insulted, hurt. Okay, I'll confess here, from young, I've always had this sensitive skin problem called eczema, and there's hardly a definite cure from it. But since young, I've always been very sensitive to the skin, and my parents spent thousands and thousands and thousands of dollars just trying to get me cured of it, and today, its much better now, but having sensitive skin makes you itchy and scratch and from young I didn't know anything so I constantly just scratched without giving a sense what it would leave and it left scars. And because from birth, I have been very prone to bacterial infections, when I was young I would often get pus everywhere like on my ass and everywhere, so that would leave scars too and they take years to fade, and some, never at all. And although now, everything's cured and I'm healthy as a horse and all those problems have gone away, some scars never fade. And yeah, they're not visible because they're on my upper thigh but you can hardly see them but its just a different shade of colour from my normal skin colour, but yeah anyway, they make you self-conscious. And I'll be honest about something. I can never adorn a full bikini suit. Okay, simply, I won't ever wear a bikini bottom/underwear out to the beach because of this self-conciousness. But back to the story, so that particular person, well, she was the entire opposite of me. As you guys know I have confidence issue since young and I think that this was partly due to my skin problem when I was young and as I grew up I developed this mentality and it culminated over years and made me feel like I'm never good enough for anybody. And to be honest, for as long as I have lived, I have never once felt that I was entirely beautiful. As in for my face or even anywhere. Okay maybe sometimes I did but they always fall short. 

And then I'll always look at other people(who people always thinks are not pretty or very pretty) either way you get the point, I look at anybody and I think, wow, they are gorgeous but I've never felt this way about myself. So yeah I'm getting to the point, so that person, that girl, she was the complete opposite. I had a bad feeling about her from the start, so I never took a particular liking for her. But I knew that she was pretty but I could never convince myself. That was the first. And somehow I grew jealous because she had flawless skin and a perfect body and I got so self-conscious because of certain things she did and said to me in the past that made me started comparing and everything to her. And yeah, it grew to become a habit and it made me so obssessed and depressed at the same time and it convinced me that I could never be as pretty. But that was a phase and then I got over it, but somehow I couldn't find the girl who used to be so happy and carefree and that sunshine girl anymore. I mean I can, but on certain days all these would just ruin it all again...hahahha this sounds like some pretty emo crap story but its true. Haha but yeah...everyone is self-conscious but I used to crazy but now I'm pretty much back to the same girl I used to be but...still I can never get over that part of my life. 

4. I am awkward. Awkward at everything that I do. Awkward at making friends, talking to people, doing something funny in front of strangers haha who isn't at this point, but yeah. So awkward sometimes I just wanna dig a hole and bury myself in it. And I'm also not very daring, not very outspoken and everything. 

5. But then I realised that I have a great life after all. I have parents that love me like crazy, and spend time making me laugh and telling me jokes and things about their sex life that always cracks us up altogether. I am also blessed to have such awesome parents who take me everywhere that I want to go and give me almost everything that I want and have spent millions of dollars on me by now, buying me all the crazy things I love and making me happy and bringing me to eat tons and tons of good crazy expensive food and buying me so many things that I waste and then buy again and then bringing me to massages and spending money on me during my puberty stages with expensive bras and underwears and braces and making my hair and everything haha. I feel as though every part of my body has spent thousands of dollars of theirs haha AND NOW GUYS I DON'T MEAN PLASTIC SURGERY NO TWISTING WORDS, i just meant..think about it if you're a girl, or if you're a guy stand in a girl's shoes. We need to buy bras, panties, lots and lots of sanitary pads and then you have the vaginal wash and then you have the wax strips and all the shaving equipments and all the hair products and facial products and makeup(oh I haven't gotten to this part yet hehe my parents haven't spent any money YET on my makeup because I don't use any YET) and etc. you get the idea. 

6. And lastly, after my long train of epiphanies on the long ride back home from school, I thought about despite all the bad things that I've been through in my past, I am truly blessed. With a good life, a good family and last but not least my good friends and of course, my boyfriend. So all in all, the world's pretty much good. And also, the person that made me feel like shit doesn't make me feel like shit anymore. In fact, I've never been more happy in my life these days. (But I'm just not happy that she deserves to be happy too but i know she does everybody deserves to be but i thought after all the evil things and vile things that happened and came from her it'd be different but ah screw it haha) 

7. And I hope one day, I would have the courage to run away from everything that makes me miserable, because I haven't found that courage yet(or else I'd be perfectly happy right now but i am not PERFECTLY happy) and I hope that you guys will too.

 

//Okay that was pretty much crap I felt like I have posted up there hehe. So yup, school today was pretty good, except for the part where I almost got drenched by people pouring water down their window when I walked under a HDB flat today and yup. 

Oh and there are so many many datelines they have given us to do like a million things plus take A'levels in the same year. 

All that aside, B IS FINALLY GIVING ME MY LONG-AWAITED SURPRISE!! Hehe, its happening tomorrow!!!!!!!!!! Omg I know right I've been so excited. It's a year's worth of presents(I think) because I've waited a year for it!!!! AH!!!! Haha, so yeah. When I get it I'll be sure to give you guys a sneak peak!!!! Till then, I gotta go rush up on my homework, hope you guys have a great week ahead! xoxo

 

P.S Here's Ed Sheeran with "Give Me Love". Has been replay on my playlist the whole of the week! It's so good, his songs will get you through the week!

 

Florence Lee

Florence Lee

Amour Infinito ∞
Did I mention how absolutely how eccentric I can get?
Oh, and people call me Flo (:

I believe that love's the strongest thing in this world, and that true love does exist. We just gotta find it. And I think I already did.

& Someday, I'm gonna be living in Paris.

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