Life/Best friends/Life sucks as a teenager or rather being a girl
Carpe fucking Diem.
I thought they said live life to the fullest. But honestly, does that part include the part where you live life to the fullest your entire life? Defining entire life -- when you're a teenager, no matter whether you're 13, 15, 17 or 19 years old? Yeah right. If this is living life to the fullest right now, I'd rather grow the hell up and face the impending stress of being a workaholic or fussing about growing into my 30s or worry about how my breasts are gonna sag, or worry about whether I'm ever gonna get married or worry about having kids, or having too little or too much sex. 'Cause this, this right now is sure as hell not living life.
I wanna grow up. No, actually I don't considering the fact that I have to worry about the things I just stated above, and no, I sure as hell don't wanna work and face the wrath of my boss or bitching colleagues or something along the lines. I wanna remain a kid, a teenager, where your mistakes are forgiven because it is the time to make mistakes, where you can fool around and no one can blame you for it, where you can just enjoy life with the least worries in that phase of your entire existence. But no, I can't make my own decisions, I don't get enough trust, don't get enough prove for responsiblity, and regardess of what I do, I'll always always be viewed as that little girl. To my parents at least, or more of my dad.
I know how most girls have daddy issues, and mine is an overprotective dad. I'd say I understand where he stands and in the shoes of being a father, he worries and worries and just worries. He's paranoid about who breaks your heart, who doesn't bring you out for proper meals when you're outside, who hates you, who hurts you, who gives you pedo looks and such and I have to say that I thank God for giving me such a great dad. And I feel really blessed that he worries and worries and everything. But right now, I'm 17 going on 18. I wanna be able to make my own decisions, to decide for myself what's good for me and what's not, to be able to be seen as a girl who can protects herself, whose independent and willing to take on anything in the world. But no, I grew up with an overprotective dad who shielded me from everything and prevented me from taking any chances and if one day he's gone and I'm left alone out there, I wouldn't know what the hell to do because I'm not prepared at all because of all the protective boundaries he's set. And no, I sure as hell don't want this to happen.
I want you to see me as someone who's strong and independent and smart. I've been trying and trying and trying to prove to you that I'm many of these things but you're somehow oblivious to it. I won't get raped while walking at the void deck, I won't get kidnapped, I won't get cheated or anything so why can't you just believe it. Believe me for once, because you've told me so so many times that you trust me, but no, this isn't trust. Trust is when you put your worries and everything into the hands of another. And no dad, this isn't trust. And I know trust when I see it.
Sigh. Enough. I just can't wait to turn 18, 18 and I'm gone. I'm done being good to be honest, I haven't broken many rules. I haven't been wild, or defiant. But I'm done letting my life being controlled just because you're scared. And I know you won't be reading this haha sigh.
Today has been a...relatively good day. I finally had time for alone-time meals with B, crashed his class at his school and I have to say its a really good experience of what poly life is like. I learned a lot from his tutorial haha cause they were teaching about China relations and I already learned that in CSE haha and all the time I could hear Chan's voice in my head chanting. And then I went to crash his rehearsal for some emcee event and met some really nice people. Haha and the sweetest and funniest thing was that everyone knew who I was and what my name was. His friends all just knew my name and me automatically haha and said bye and everything which was really cute! :) And then met his dad and his brother and his dad's colleague and went to have dinner. Haha and his brother ordered some beer from the coffee shop and he drank a few sips and his whole face was already red ohmy. And I took like two sips and when I reached home my face was blushed pink and mom thought I went to suntan and got mad. Lol.
//Sigh. Best friends. Do you guys think that best friends are actually possible to have when you're in a relationship? Best friends of the opposite sex. Me and Gabby are supposedly best friends, but I think we aren't that that close to the extent of how best friends are supposed to be like as I saw on Tumblr haha. I mean, he is one of my closer friends, but we're not really the best of friends because we don't really talk much anymore, we don't talk everyday and yeah, just hardly anymore. B was actually jealous at the idea that me and Gabby were close friends/bestfriends and then he got himself one too. Some girl. And yeah..I guess they're close friends. Well, at least caring friends or some shit. And I won't deny that I'm not jealous, but is this really good for us? I know people grow up and stuff and I just...I don't know. I'm pretty pissed with this jealousy thing and I can't help but feel some doubt or something or just I don't know it all feels so screwed up I can't even.
And I haven't really told him this part cuz I know what he'd say. Sigh. Of all the things in the world. Ugh being a girl sucks being a teenager as me sucks really what is life
xoxo