I don't know what I'm looking for
Another Friday night. It's another Friday night that I'm sitting here thinking about the same...yet different things. I don't know what I'm searching for honestly...amongst the many things that I have thought of. But I do know, what I'm gonna pen down here tonight.
I'd like to think that all these thoughts are supposed to be in my diary and not blogged worldwide for God knows whoever reads this space. But I've always had a knack of writing lengthy stuff and no matter how big my diary ever is there isn't ever enough space to pen down whatever I feel that'd satiate my need to write. And hence, I shall type.
Today was another one of those mundane days where like any other college kid, other than the fact that I didn't go to school because I'm sick and on MC, but my mornings like every other college kid, I woke and hit the books. Well, not really. I woke up pretty early today cause my constant coughing kept me up and eventually I gave up altogether on sleeping and woke up and read this new book I borrowed from the library the other day called: "Bitter End." It was a really...engaging book. Haha it got me excited and worked up about the ending that I all in all read the 800 page book up in the whole morning. And then my afternoons and evenings were spent mugging.
But today, today was different. I felt alone. Like this...really lonely feeling in my heart. It felt hollow, empty and besides from the kind of love that you get from your family and your boyfriend, nothing else ever feels the same.
I no longer seek comfort in my friends. I can no longer find that sort of comfort. That sense of comfort you get when you run to a friend and all that gossip and laughter holds up. No longer. Where you can practically talk about anything and everything and just laugh about it as though it's nothing. No more. Besides from the 5 other close friends I have in class in my current school, and Gabby, and the netball girls with the occasional chatter and gossip, I find no comfort in any other place. It took me these two days when I was absent to really realise it. To realise that I wouldn't be and probably wouldn't survive the school years no matter how short. So i'm thankful to them, really. But then again, sometimes, the kind of comfort doesn't always stay with them. It's different, like it's the same thing but it's not. You need to be careful with your words, and you need to know the limit to say things and sometimes its okay that nobody else gets your jokes but it's worse when no one knows you're hurt by their words. You have to stay silent and observe, have to always suffer in silence.
Tonight, tonight I felt like I've lost another close friend. A girl I've known since I was in nursery. No, nothing happened. No fights, no arguments, no chatter. No, not even talking. Hardly. I loved her. We used to be so close you could say that we were twins. We grew up together because our parents knew each other so well. I loved her like a sister. We used to ran around in the market while our parents work and we'd work some mischief up and get into trouble and eventually get the whole market's attention. We used to chase cats around the buildings, went to school together and perform in plays, made friends together, shared everything together. We used to go over each other's house and just played and played like sisters.
She was like the big sister I never had. We're the same age, no matter, but she was always the mature one. The one that thought of big things. I kid around a lot and I really am just a little girl at heart. But she grew up, grew up faster than me and even as teenagers, she saw much more sense in things than me. She saw a lot of reason, a lot of love, and I'd never fail to indulge in her all of my secrets because she'd always say the right things.
Hell, I remember that one time, that few years when our family hangs out practically once every week just to go for buffets together. And we were teenagers at that time, we've both found love but we were young. We'd talk about boys in secret and camwhore like crazy and then we'd always finish our meal earlier than the others so we could sneak to the lobby or someplace secret just to talk about everything....anything. And I remembered once, because something happened to one of us with our boy trouble, and we were sitting by the pool at the hotel that night, just lounging on the tanning beds and staring at the stars and talking. And one of us started crying, and the other too. We both started crying and it felt like then, that moment, we both could feel each other's pains.
We got through the years and I loved her through everything. She was the best friend I never had. I never thought I would have. I loved her, everything about her. Yes, sometimes I was jealous about her for certain things. But I did.
I loved her for her sensibility, her thoughts, her sincerity. I loved her for her kindness, her gullible side, her fragililty. I loved the way her eyes sparkled each time we laughed together, I loved her smile and the sound of it. I loved how her eyebrows would seem to sink each time she tried to do a funny face. I loved how she wasn't crazy and wild like I was. I loved how she listens, how she remains quiet and focused when she tries to think. And I loved how we were.
And I was jealous. Over the years I was jealous. I was jealous at her beauty, her knack of always seeming to be able to get what she wants, jealous of her bustier chest, her parents' trust in her, her sensibility. But despite that, I still loved her for everything that she was. Beautiful, kind and trusting.
But then we grew up, and we went seperate ways. And one time I had to choose. Choose what path I had to take. And I gave her up. I guess it was kind of my fault on that part. But I hated how she had changed ever since we distanced. She was dark, and cold and there was this side of her that I never knew. She was sad, and depressed and negativity always seems to swarm her mind. The bright light that I always saw in her was gone. She was no longer as patient, no longer as kind. She no longer texted, no longer asked me out. Not anymore.
And I did regret. Regret the moment I let her go. I begged once for our friendship to remain like it was before, but you know what they say about scars. I thought that time would do the trick and apparently it didn't...
Today, today I talked to her again. Well, via text. We hardly talked anymore, she doesn't really bother much to reply my messages cause they're always forgotten. But I know from the moment we met up together with our families last year and we didn't talk much that we wouldn't change. This would be us. Still. She used to be this girl, that despite having a boyfriend, she'd always include me in. And I met every single one of her boyfriends before this, we went out on a regular basis and I knew everyone of them. But ever since we grew apart, not anymore. But last year when our families met up, and ever since, I wasn't really a huge part in her life anymore. Everything just kinda faded away...I guess.
//I know you'd be reading this, because I meant you to. I don't know what is truly going on in your life, and I don't know how or what or when you're gonna pull through. But I've known you ever since we were both still in diapers or mini panties and such and I know that you're much stronger than you ever give yourself credit for. I know that you think a lot of negative thoughts and you always think that you're not good enough for anybody, either for yourself or for anybody else, but I hope you know you are. Because I wanted to be like you once, when we were both young and innocent. I wanted to be like you and I was jealous of you and I loved you like a sister, a big sister I never had. I always thought that I'd be the needy one, the one that needed you more than you need me, but it turns out that as we grew up, we both needed each other. And I don't care anymore, if this is going to fix things between us, or if things are gonna change between us because honestly, we're both growing up and we're going to go through tough times that both of us would hardly be able to manage on our own for that matter.
But I know that no matter what tough times you go through, there's always someone that's gonna be there for you. It may be Kyle now and your sisters and your parents and your other friends and I don't know if you know but I'm here too. We haven't talked in ages and I really miss you but I guess there's really nothing I can do about us anymore. I'm not giving up, I'm just saying that maybe we've both grown out of each other. And maybe, maybe someday we both just might find a way back to being best friends just like we were again, but for now, I hope you'll be fine on your own because you haven't seem to get over the one thing that's keeping you so guarded in your heart. And I know what it is and I know about your past and I know about everything that's bothering you without needing you to tell me about it because I've known you for so long. But I just think that maybe, just maybe, you forgot about the one thing that you wanted in the first place. I think that the reason you're unhappy right now, is because you keep trying to please everybody else and keep trying to be someone that you can't be and won't be. And I think if you just hold on that little part of faith in you that's still there and just be happy, I think that things would turn out just fine.
I honestly think you're feeling like shit or maybe even going through shit right now and stuff like that but I just want you to know that I'll always be here no matter how the outcome turns out. I've always loved you as my sister, best friend and that fact will never change. But right now, I just can't help but feel that you've given me up. That you no longer have the energy to keep trying. I just can't help but feel that all the answers you're giving to the questions I have now are just to appease me and not your true self. And I just can't help but feel that it's not till you've put down that guard in your heart that you'd be okay. But whatever happens, I just want you to know that I love you. And no matter where you are, no matter what happens in the future or wherever you might end up in the future, today or tomorrow, there's always gonna be someone that loves you. And that would be me.
With love,
Your sister/best friend always,
xoxo