Chances.

Is this what teenage years are supposed to be like? Is it all supposed to be filled with...immature decisions, arguments, dejected feelings, loneliness, tears and sometimes, happiness? Because if it is, then I wanna grow up. Because all I'm ever doing with my life right now, is... wasting and wasting and wasting it away. 

Ever since young, I've thrown many many many good opportunities away, due to many reasons such as being gutless, or not having the time, but most of the times, the reasons grew around the fact that my dad never really supported them. Of all the opportunities that I have wanted to take up on, he's never encouraged me. If you count using reverse psychology into letting you think that you won't be able to handle it, then yes, there's your encouragement. 

Home. I've always found the term "home" comforting, and..peaceful and a place that I wanna be at all times. Even till now. But recently, home has been getting a little distant. Since I was a little girl, I was always..adventurous. Well, more of a gutless adventurer. I wanted to try many new things but always lacked that certain encouragement to go on, to try it, to push forward. My dad...my dad was the source of that. Not that he was to be blamed, but every chance I've ever had in polishing myself, in wanting to be independent, in wanting to be better always discouraged. He's always wanted me to be by his side which is at home, not being involved in anything else but studying, which is a quality which I clearly lack in, because studying has never been my forte. Sure, I've survived till now to a JC, which I may or may not honestly claim that I'm struggling and sometimes seem to be grasping at nothing but thin air, but nonetheless, managable. But I've never been those kind of teenagers that went all out to try new things, new opportunities, joined different kinds of clubs, different kinds of camps or been overseas with any other clubs just to expand my social circle or picking up leadership skills or anything. Life has always been mundane. 

If I was dying today, or I was dying any other day in life from now on, there would always be that one regret I have. The regret at not doing these things I've always wanted to do since I was a kid. I have friends having tons and tons and tons of opportunities and trying many many fresh new things, and yeah, you know, these things come once in a lifetime, and you only get to do it when you're young. You can't expect yourself to go skydiving or rock-climbing or going on a few months of voyage when you're 35 or 40 or 50, or even when you're 20 or so because you'd be too caught up with your life from then on. So if I was dying today or, if I had any regret in my life, it would be this. I've missed so many things in my life, and I've come to terms with that somehow. So many good opportunities, and who knows, I could have had been a different person. I've always believed that God created us, for one thing, for us to fight for what we want. Maybe I didn't fight for these things in the past, and I really really wished I did, but I do remember that I tried, I cried, I fought. But those futile attempts....they would remain as regrets. God created us, and maybe our fates have already been sealed, and the paths we choose might be because of the end that he has made for us, but I believe he gave us many paths, many options to choose from with many different endings to our lives, and the paths we choose...are the paths we think we deserve, or subtly have to accept to. 

If I ever had a kid in the future, I would let them have a go at every opportunity in their life, not missing any of it. 

And you know how everyone has this bucket list -- things to do before they die? Well, this is at the top of my list. But I barely have anymore good opportunities that might come my way, I think. My secondary school days are way past me, and so were the opportunities that came along with it. I'm so caught up in coping with school right now, I don't even have time for friends or family, what more these opportunities. Maybe in the near future, I might have a chance at having these opportunities again, but I'm way past the stage at being trained to be equipped with these life skills that were supposed to be taught to me when I was 13 or 15. I'm 17, and my teenage years are coming to an end. And for the record, the past few years of my life haven't been like how a teenager would have lived it. Happy yes, for moments. But I think that mostly, I was just living to how my parents planned it to be for me, not for me, me. Sigh. But I'll fight for these last years. But I doubt it'd make a lot of difference. 

But I'd start living my life. Start living, living my life. 

Florence Lee

Florence Lee

Amour Infinito ∞
Did I mention how absolutely how eccentric I can get?
Oh, and people call me Flo (:

I believe that love's the strongest thing in this world, and that true love does exist. We just gotta find it. And I think I already did.

& Someday, I'm gonna be living in Paris.

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